Yes I do have these moments and I do practise most of these solutions. On most days they help ...
Reflections on the world from a Kiwi perspective...
Saturday,
November 12, 2016
The Fear in the Belly - 11 Leadership
Hacks to Control It
"Without the darkness, how can you
recognise the light" Tuvok
(Star Trek Generations)
Ever had one of those moments where you feel
a little queasy and the queasiness is not related to what
you ate, but what you experienced?
It's that little ball of fear that makes your
tummy twist and recoil, almost in an attempt to run away and hide. It is
a visceral response, and because it is not your intellect that controls it, but
something far more primitive and raw, keeping it under control when you
are facing 'those' situations (you know the ones, quite often they blindside us
and proceed these dreaded little words 'have you got a minute') is no easy task.
I know that feeling in the pit of my belly
well - too well. I suspect, if you are in leadership, especially
educational leadership, you know it well too!
This post is as much as a reminder to myself,
as it is a way to support others.
Leadership is mostly rewarding, fulfilling,
and an opportunity to make a difference. As with all bright moments,
there are also some darker times, and the flip side to the great is that
leadership can also be challenging, hard work, dark and unforgiving. Some
days, weeks and months are amazing and other times, not so much.
Sometimes you are faced with situations that bring about that uncomfortable
feeling of fear in the pit of your belly, and the key to walking away mostly
unscathed is in how you manage yourself and your reactions during the 'fear in
the belly' moments.
The following 11 suggestions/leadership hacks
are by no means a definitive list, but they are things that can help, and
things that I have been honing myself, over the years.
1.
Disconnect - take time out and leave work at work
I know what you are thinking, "but I have
... (insert whatever seems important, files to file, Charters to write, data to
analyse - the list is endless) to do..." I have a revelation to
share with you - disconnecting for a weekend - and I mean the WHOLE weekend,
from when you leave on Friday and return on Monday, will NOT - I repeat - will
NOT, make the world end. You are of absolutely no use to anyone, family
or colleagues, if you do not take some time for yourself. You work hard -
really hard. You are the person that everyone wants a piece of, and quite
frankly, if you do not keep some aside for you, you will falter and fall.
2.
Do what brings you joy
This is related to number one. (can you
see a pattern emerging here? Good) What makes you happy? And for
this, I mean both at work and at home. For example, my batteries are
recharged at work by going and working with, and talking with students.
They are why I went into this career - they are who I want to be great
for, and they make my heart sing because they are such great role models of
resilience and joy. Getting unstuck from my office to spend time with our
students is a highlight and no matter how much fear might be swirling around
the pit of my belly, our students remind me of the WHY. Every time.
To recharge my batteries at home, I love to walk on the beach - the beach
is like a stress soother. It doesn't even matter what the weathers like -
there is just something very healing and powerful about the ocean. It
reminds me that the world is a wonderful, changing place to explore, and life
is an adventure just waiting for me to go and seek it! Those are
just two examples - what are yours?
3.
Get your 'ducks' in a row
Make your lists, get your systems out and be
organised. When things are difficult, it could be all too easy to slip
into a state of darkness, and let the organisation systems slip. Don't
fall for that! When things seem out of control, getting back on top of
the chaos is a priority and will help you feel more organised and in control.
Be systematic, think like a Start Trek Vulcan and allow logic and reason
a chance to flourish. You can read more about things to slow down the
'roller coaster' in my recent post 'The Leadership Rollercoaster'. Suffice
to say, getting your 'ducks' in a row is the equivalent of your own leadership
security blanket.
4.
Blow off the steam
Something I find very helpful in combating the
fear in the belly moments is letting off some steam. We all have a
variety of ways to do this, but my two favourites are either a hard out gym
session (the older I get the more these seem to nearly kill me) or a super loud
'pretend I am a rock star' session in my car on the way home. When I say
loud, I do indeed mean loud. One of the things I like about my car is
that it has a fantastic sound system. I have a number of songs that I
LOVE to sing loudly (most likely badly but thats not important) and there is
something very cathartic about doing this. I imagine I must look like a
bit of a twit (and goodness knows how bad it sounds) but, that is a small price
to pay for regaining my sanity. I hope to put together a post with some
of my favourite songs shortly. Watch this space.
5.
Become intimate with your stress response
How well do you know yourself? Do you
understand the symptoms of the 'fear in the belly' moments? There
is a difference between situational sickness and actually being unwell.
Each of us 'feels' our emotions in our belly
differently, and only you know what your response is. Some
people feel nauseated, others feel 'off colour', some feel tendrils
of cold running through their veins and others might feel flu like
symptoms. Get to understand your own responses to stressful
situations so that you can find which of these strategies (or
others) might help you keep them under control.
6.
Know your triggers
Do you know what makes you feel that 'fear in
the belly'? Similar to the one above, this is about understanding what
causes it. For example, one of mine is feeling out of control. By
that, I mean encountering one of 'those' moments that I have never encountered
before because often fear has at its core, the notion that 'I don't know what
to do'. Unfortunately, or perhaps from a growth mindset point of view,
fortunately, the Universe has provided me with numerous such encounters which
has given me a system to help bring some control to it. Part of my
'system' is to do some of these very hacks. I always start with trying to
bring some perspective and control back to the situation by asking myself, who
can help, what steps need to be taken, who needs to be informed, where does it
fit into our policies, and what have I missed? I wrote above
about getting your 'duck's' in a row and being organised - tapping into the
logical and analytical part of your brain helps to bring some perspective and
calm to the situation, giving you a chance to take some control. My brain
doesn't function well when it is stuck in flight or fight mode, and having a
system to calm it down helps.
7.
Debrief - you are not alone!
This is a big one. Who do you go to debrief? Who
is your confidante and 'wise shoulders'? I am fortunate in that there are
a few people I trust to discuss 'hairy' things with. Knowing who to go to
to get the correct advice (such as School Trustees Association) is also
crucial. They know what you need to do, who you need to contact and what
process you need to follow in order to ensure both natural justice and as a
safeguard for yourself and your school. I am in no doubt that the person
I use is outstanding and without their help would have struggled. Then
there are the awesome people in your professional learning network (if you are
one of mine, and I am sure you know who you are, know that I love you
to the moon and back, am terribly grateful to have you and you are
fabulous). Know who your people - your tribe - are. They are
literally your sanity savers!
8.
Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude
This one is hard when the going is tough.
Our brains seem to be predisposed to sinking into the doom and gloom, but
if you can shake that old dark dog off your shoulders long enough to appreciate
those things that do go well, the people in our life that make it all
worthwhile and the small things that we can be grateful for, then it is
helpful. At a recent leadership group meeting, we went around the room
and for some of us, the term has been a little tough, all we could find to be
grateful for was that we made it to the meeting! Whilst that might seem
sad, actually, it is a huge testament to the knowledge that somedays, it is the
small things that make the big difference, and on that particular day, just
getting there meant the world to us. So, being grateful might just be a
list of the little things (my car got me to work in one piece, the coffee was
hot, the breeze from the window is fresh, the little picture of New York on my
journal makes me feel hopeful I will get there and motivates me to keep on
going, etc). I would suggest meditation as another useful tool, but that
is not something I am particularly skilled at - yet. (Keeping my brain
silent for more than a moment is always a victory)
9.
Affirmations
Bare with me, because I know this is going to
seem naff, but if it really helps me! Think growth mindset! How you
talk to yourself matters. I know it's easy to fall into the 'I hate my job'
mantras when a situation occurs, and because I have had moments where I have
felt like this, or where I've lain in bed in the morning reluctant to get up
because, for that moment, it's just too hard! (I may have burst into tears once
or twice, much to the horror and concern of Technoman). So, I combat this
with a positive mantra or two (or fifty - some days are harder than
others). I've been doing this leadership job for over 15 years, and some
of my experiences as a school principal would make your toes curl. If my
naff solution around affirmations to calm the fear, and soothe the turmoil in
the tummy are of any use to anyone else, I can surely overcome my own
insecurities to share them. I've set my phone to send me a reminder in
the morning, and again before bed, with a little private message that reminds
me that I'm doing a good job, and that I'm enough. In addition, I have an
app on my phone that if my day has been particularly rough, I can press a
button and read some positive, random affirmations. If you're interested,
the apps called 'Affirmations' and you can download it from
iTunes and Amazon. It's a resiliency tool that helps keep me feeling in
perspective. What I have found, is that rewiring my inner voice to say 'I
love my job, I love my job' instead of 'I hate my job' just takes the edge off
the dark moments by shinning a little light of positivity.
10.
Breathe! No seriously, breathe!
When I encounter the 'fear in my belly' I
automatically work to calm my fear by breathing. There are many many ways
to do this, and I have now got it down pat (I think) in that I can take some
deep breathes to collect my thoughts and most of the time, you would not even
notice that I am doing it. Google breathing exercises to get anxiety
under control and have a go at practicing this for yourself. Never
underestimate the soothing way some good deep breathes in and out, help to
bring perspective and allow you to take back some of the control on your
emotions.
11.
Finally, remember 'she'll be right'
By this I mean, a bad situation doesn't mean
you are a bad leader, or that things won't get better. It doesn't rain
forever, right? So pull out your umbrella, face the rain with courage and
strength and hold onto the faith that the sun is coming! You have got
this, you are quite capable of sorting your way through these situations, and
remember, you are not alone!
Please NB: If things are overwhelming
you, please seek help - see your GP or seek guidance from a support specialist
(see below for kiwi links - if you are from another country, find your
countries equivalent).
